well today marks one month that I’ve been on antidepressants! I am mostly really happy with how it has been going. probably the best indicator of how much better I am feeling is the fact that I’ve only cried once since being on them, whereas before I was literally crying every single day. though I don’t feel as sad or hopeless anymore, I still feel incredibly overwhelmed and I panic a lot and seem to exist in a perpetual state of devaluing and underestimating myself. but I mean, I was doing all those things before PLUS feeling depressed and exhausted, so at least my head isn’t such a crazy place anymore.

the only problem is that the medication makes it really hard to sleep and has been giving me awful nightmares. it’s a bit unusual because whenever I’m upset or distressed about something, there is usually someone I will talk to about it. it’s not always the same person, and they don’t always respond in a way that is helpful, but I still communicate it and process it and get it out of my head. but I feel really uncomfortable and often even embarrassed about the nightmares I’ve been having so I haven’t really shared them with anyone, and I think it’s bad for me to keep it inside? I’m thinking maybe I should start a diary to keep track of the dreams I’m having, or maybe even write about them on my other blog. I don’t really know if I want to share it with other people but I also don’t cope well keeping things to myself. 

I’ve been given something I can take before bed to help me sleep better, but the first time I take it is supposed to be a night where I have nothing to do the next day, because some people are really knocked out by it and stay drowsy for a while the next day. so I haven’t been able to try it yet because I’ve always had shit on. maybe that will help a bit? I can only take it up to 4 nights a week so it’s not a permanent solution. I don’t know if these side effects are cause enough to ask to try another medication; as I said it’s otherwise been pretty great for me. I don’t want to switch to something else only to find that it’s side effects are even worse. I also feel like the process of gradually going off this medication and slowly starting a new one would be a huge roller coaster that I’d rather not go through. 

I also cancelled my last appointment with my counselor and I never called back to make another one. it’s probably been at least 7 weeks since I had an appointment. I should probably do something about that. I don’t know. I really don’t like my counselor and feel like I can’t share things with her because she seems really conservative. even just little things like a passing comment she made when I was telling her about my assault, and she goes “well you don’t seem like you’re a promiscuous person…” like…what if I am? I’m certain that if you knew my sexual history you’d probably class me as promiscuous. how would that affect the way she communicates with me, and her interpretation of me? can you imagine how tedious it would be to deal with her potential assumption that I’m promiscuous because I was assaulted? I don’t even have the energy to defend myself against that bullshit. in another instance where I said I’d been seeing someone but not officially dating them, and she said “so you weren’t having sex?” uhhh of course I was having sex??? I feel like I can’t talk to her about things with guys, and that’s often something I want to talk about! the whole atmosphere of feeling like I’m being dishonest or not sharing everything that I need to be is really crap. I don’t know. I only have two more sessions with her before she has to do some review of me and then decide if I need more counseling or not. if she decides that I do, that will be the time for me to suggest switching to a new counselor. I should probably just suck it up, attend the last two sessions, and then move onto somebody better. 

well then this turned out to be quite a diary entry didn’t it, sorry about that